So Proud

You know... there is a huge difference between arrogance and being proud. I like pride... it speaks very highly of you! No, really... it does. And it speaks very highly of me too. And, darn, I have finally learned to love myself! Wow! It took much, but phew! I did it!

I love me... because I have learned to be humble in the face of the most excruciating, heart-breaking, soul-shattering moments. I learned to love more in the moments when I have been spit on, pushed and stepped on, and still managed to keep my head up and learn from the mistakes...

...At the moments when I lose the keys, the cell phone - though I can hear it beeping and ringing, non stop - and bang my little toe against the hard wooden frame of the bed, and I still manage to laugh while a little tear drops out of the pain in my stomach trickling up from my toe! I laugh... I laugh as if I were watching a hysterically funny movie. And I am proud... Proud because there were moments of anger and pain when instead of blabbering something I knew I would regret, I took the time to remember my own pain at words that marked me so, and I paused. ...I lowered my eyes, swallowed hard, let another tear drop fall and fell silent - the only words making it out of my lips being "I am hurt and need to work this through..."

Proud at the times when instead of pointing a finger out, I decided to feel the 3 digging the nails in my own skin! Proud of the times I've put myself out there and said I am sorry, not only for the freedom that it gave me, but for the veil lifted. Still painful, but clearing the shadow that a false friend had cast over me during so many years. Still I wept, and in swallowing my pride, I gained more of it... Can you understand? Or will you call me arrogant too?

I am so proud, so proud of the stubbornness I carry in me; because it gives me the resiliency to try once more, to give myself another chance, to believe and know that the heart is more powerful than nasty words. So significantly proud I am of myself, that though I have lost it all once and time again, I can see how I build over and over again in the same manner and each moment more powerfully than the one before... To understand that the talents and the happiness and joy I carry in my heart and in my mind - those that carry me through along with love - those are mine... and were cared for by me and no one else but me...! Well, with my angels to carry me through, of course!

And I am proud of that too! I am proud to KNOW that there are angels around me and that the Universe will never deal me something I didn't need, even if it looks as though I could do without it at the time. To know I am blessed with experiences that have made me grow through pain and change is something to be proud of. The fact that I can see it and cherish it and rejoice in it... the mere thought of that, makes me proud!

You might say: "Wow! She's really full of herself!" Ha! I should be! I AM full of my soul, and my love, and my heart, and my thoughts that constantly nourish me. So, yes, literally, I AM full of myself! Funny how that works... But if you knew me, you would know how it all works itself out, and how beautifully it really is, all of it! In me and in You too!

It works out for you too! And I am so proud of my friends too! So proud of their pride, and their confidence in themselves and those around them. I am proud to see them grow, and see how over time we blossom into beautiful trees that were once little bushes in a field of Oaks. A beautiful field full of great lessons...

It is all so beautiful! Beauty in them, beauty in the World, beauty in me and in You!!! Isn't that enough to make you smile today?? It is for me... and I am proud of that too... That I can see the beauty... that I can look out the window at the sky, the trees against the blue background, and smile.

Yes, I am proud... I am proud to understand how it all affects me - and not be afraid to say how I really feel. I am proud of myself and of my friends that grow and love with me, and can laugh at the face of adversity, and can challenge the World.

I dare you to be proud, but be careful... you pay with a HUMBLE price...