...And Then She Said To Me
"Really, sometimes I think he might feel more than he wants to let himself show and hates himself for it. How does that feel? I’ll tell you how… it feels more horrible than I let myself feel. Did you get that? (haha) Let me explain, before you lose your head. In other words, it feels horrible, but I understand him completely, all too well. And that, my friend, is why we are so perfect for each other.
We know how it feels to be betrayed, humiliated, taken for granted and abandoned at the lowest, worst moment of pain. We know how to give of each other and we know how to do things for ourselves and our own lives. We know how to be there for someone and also get pampered if we need to be. We know how to ask for something and we know how to be giving. We know how to get that point across without being hurtful. And if we think we might offend the other, we will re-word and make sure our point is understood without any misunderstanding, or at least we’ll try.
We know how to compromise, but we also know what’s important to ourselves. We know that sometimes it is necessary to provide and there’ll be times when the ‘I’ will have to suffer because the other will have to carry us through. We know we cannot be arrogant, but we are proud to be who we are. Some may misunderstand our actions and will call us names, but we just smile because we know what we are made of and what we mean by our actions and our words.
And maybe because we are so much alike is exactly the reason why we cannot be together… Maybe, just like I think he can’t possibly be like me, he thinks the same. Maybe my fear of getting hurt once more is only a mirror to him. After all, he’s a man, how truthful can they be, right? (…and if I know many women out there, he’s probably saying the same thing.) I know him, and I know he would never do anything to hurt me; and I know he knows I would never hurt him. So what is it? Is it that I’m too fat for him? (lol) I know what you’re thinking… but he’s a man, they love a great body to munch on… and then again, is he thinking he’s not ‘built’ enough for me? He has the same fears, the same low self esteem kicking in only at the right time, though he seems to be doing great at others.
Is it that he thinks (just like me at times) that our worlds are too far apart? Or is it that one mistake before him that bothers him? Hey, I know it bothers me! So why shouldn’t it bother him? Again, maybe he thinks more of it than it meant… Can truthfulness be my downfall? I have been told that before, though I don’t ever want to believe that. I will always be truthful, though I will find a way not to be hurtful about it. I must admit, sometimes truth does hurt. Pity that some people use that as an excuse to run with whatever they want to say to hurt someone else.
But I digress… truth, I was saying. I know that he is as truthful as I am because he shares with me more than anyone else would care to share. In reality, he does not seem like the type. Maybe because he makes himself seem so rough, so cold and removed. No, don’t get me wrong, he IS tough and sometimes he can be cold. Well, if you have done something to be the object of that cold sentiment. But in reality, you know he is the sweet strength and pure love you have always wanted. I try to make myself seem that way: cold, removed, apathetic to everyone and everything. But it just doesn’t work.
It didn’t really work for him either, at least not with me. Or maybe he just feels comfortable enough with me that in sharing and being himself, I understood his heart and his mind. I could see why someone would see him as something different. Sucks for them, though. Because he really is that playful, loving, tough guy everyone loves to have around. And by God, how I wish I had him around me… all the time."
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