Scattered Brain In The Abyss

This is a must – it must happen. You let go and yet you haven’t; you know and feel you haven’t. You’ve loved him a thousand ways a thousand times and it keeps growing. You love him more than you have ever loved and feel him more than you’ve ever felt. How that happens, you don’t know. It is a void in the stomach, yet clearly understanding and accepting that it must be. It must come to pass. There is an abyss and though you know it will take you to paradise, you see nothing in sight. Faith is what leads you. Why should everyone think that though you do this in a leap of faith, and knowing the truth that love will shine, that it doesn’t hurt? Why do they think that following Spirit is never painful and always bliss? Why do they think it’s all about being uplifted and serene? Don’t they know? Chaos and confusion reign, knowing you are doing the right thing and yet feeling the pain that comes from letting go. Detachment, for the moment unattainable, but it will come. You know it will. But how do you accelerate? Let’s get going! Let’s get it over with, you always say. But this one feels like it’s stuck in limbo. And you are stuck right there with it. You feel God all around your Self, and yet so numb to the happiness heaven wants to give you. How can you see so much beauty and so much darkness all the same? So many windows he opened with his love and his faith. So many things cleared and understood. It makes so much sense now; it is all clear. And even in this numbness, you see the beauty and the plan. But it still hurts. God gave you love through love. And there is still so much to give; you know that too. It is not over. The respect, understanding and protective care you gave and still give is only proof… The battle of the sexes, the misunderstood stories and the perspectives all lost. All lost in an abyss of wonder and love. You embrace each other through a distant hug through the cosmos – time and space don’t exist. You know that too. Yet in the closeness of your love, you feel so far… remembering the moments you held each other close. Those precious capsules where in your fusion you still wanted to get closer. The bodies felt worlds apart until you became one in your soul, in your hearts. Nothing was ever the same for you. Now the veil was lifted, but you could not explain. How do you explain the worlds and the Universe held in each others eyes. How do you tell the stories of the galaxies and the nations of this Universe with mere words? How do you explain the things that don’t yet exist yet always were? How do you blurt out the words that have not yet been discovered, the words that are not yet resolved? You throw in the towel, it is so hard. Your Spirit wants to soar the skies, it knows it’ll be alright. Yet you are here as human and doubt and fear sometimes peak in. Bashing your head, crunching your heart, flooding your eyes, choking your throat, thrusting themselves into the pit of your stomach, fluttering, swirling about your insides. The abyss, the humbling, abyss filled with love and wonder. You fall into it, numb, not really happy, not really afraid. Watching, waiting for your world to halt and stop spinning. You know it will be. It will just be, you will just be. Don’t ask yourself, just watch and understand.