why is there a need for a reason

so... i am walking on the park today. the sun was shining; i mean bright... it was really hitting my just-dilated-pupils coming from the optometrist! lol! nevertheless, i was feeling good. the sun just has that effect on me. but i swear, i must have seen somewhat of a drunk or junkie to people. if someone doesn't know who you are and they see you walking with a little 'imbalance' to your step, and your eyes are barely visible... yeah, i must have seen a bit weird, at least.

with that said, i decided to stop and get a pair of those cheap, cool looking sun glasses - you know, just to be able to block the UV rays that were trespassing my corneas like dancing lasers at the museum of science laser show. the poor guy never had a chance... it's not that he was ugly - definitely not my type, but not ugly. he got so close and so unexpectedly, that he seriously scared the living daylights out of me in less time than i could say 'nano second'!

i never understood how he could have found me attractive, today of all days when to me i must have looked like crap. yes, i did tell him he scared the living daylights out of me. he probably thought i was flirting... well, in all truth, i think i was. well, many of us are very guilty of that, flirting naturally, i mean. but mind you, i don't do this on purpose and sometimes i am not aware of it. i have been told about my flirting when i am not aware of it. it's really one of my lamest characteristics, and perhaps one of my best. why?

well, i have the talent to make anyone feel like 'king of the castle' or even 'queen' for that matter. yes, my flirting doesn't seem to discriminate as far as gender is concerned. i really have to urgently analyze why i do it and where it comes. evidently it has nothing to do with whether or not i find someone attractive or nice, for that matter. yeah, i know... trust me! i know... not good at all.

this leaves many feeling like i am a total tease and some a bit confused. now, mind you, i am not the best looking person out there. i don't consider myself ugly, but there are definitely better looking girls out there than i am. still, i get some looks.

so, back at the cheap sunglass stand, this guy is trying to get information about 'the husband', 'the boyfriend' or whoever it is that my likes are 'inclined' to. i say to myself... oh, oh, the line of questioning begins. it is surely going to go to the inevitable question of 'why are you alone'?

is it just me? or does anyone else feel this question is a little off??? doesn't it make more sense to be alone than with a person that doesn't love you? doesn't it become obvious that it's better to be by yourself than with someone that is not compatible with you? why is the question 'why are you alone' usually followed by 'what did you do'? (by the way, i usually answer that question with 'it's not what i did, it's what i wouldn't do that bothered him'). but really, the answer sometimes is 'i did too much'. simple. i should have kept some of those efforts for myself and my persona. don't you agree that some times we do too much for others in a relationship and forget about ourselves? and then we wonder why they tell us 'i never asked you to do those things for me'... ha! they're right, you know?! they ARE!

but we are so blind to it - our righteousness and pride always winning within us. serves us right that we end up alone. we need more work than we anticipate, but we remain blind. but... are others also blind to that simple reality? that being alone is not a bad thing sometimes? and that it shouldn't be an enigma?

why must there be a 'reason' to being alone? if there is ever a reason, it is: i am not ready. something's missing, something's gotta be done within myself to find that relationship. hell! sometimes we are in a relationship to develop a trait, something within our character that needs work. and once we have learned that lesson, the person leaves. sometimes it's even true that it is not YOUR lesson to learn. sometimes you are with someone to teach them a lesson - but be careful, you are not aware of that lesson. your lessons to teach are unbeknownst to you... we can't be that proud either... we are NOT that smart, regardless of what you may hear.

but i must say i think it's funny. i think it's hilarious to see myself flirt and see others flirt with me and with others. i see the questions coming, forming the point, molding the next question, the inevitable one: 'why are you alone'?

and i still think there's only one reason: 'i am not ready'. but my pride gets the best of me, and i won't admit that to the world, so i say... 'why is there a need for a reason? i am just alone.'