I Should Have Known

I should know better than to think you'd reach out as you said you would - once more. I should have known that I'd wait and wait, repeating and repeating, and repeating, and repeating. Repeating the same pattern, time and time again. Not you; yes, you, but also me. Repeating... for years, understanding, for years giving and expecting too much, without really expecting. Yes, ironic. Ironic that I should expect so much and expect so little. Ironic that I'd learn so much and know so little. I should have known --- I should have known that time and time again my heart would bleed - the patterns repeating and repeating themselves. How do I break them? How do I tell this heart not to love? How do I shake it from despair and hope? I should have known... I should have known that just like before, all things are more important. That the time given is only just as much as you could give, only while I have this little time to squeeze... to call, to text, to send that email that meant too much and yet so little -- ooh I have to go. Focus calls. How dare I, you say? How do I know? I should have known... I should have known that you'd spill the beautiful words only to say: I'm sorry, I just can't go, I just can't make it, I just got caught up." The responsibilities - always those. I should have known. I should have known that it would not come; I should have known it's lost in oblivion - the passion and the love - never knew how to make it here, never knew how materialize itself into our being. Always held, gone forever, forever with me, yet all alone. All the lost thoughts, the lost nights I could have rested because I didn't know how. All the breaths I did not take, all the healing could not dissipate the pain. I should have known that it was just like it was. I thought it was coming; how many times did I not say? I should have known; I did. I should have known it would happen yet again. That the plans were not made, that the words could not be spoken, that I had to wait without gain. I should have known you'd prove me wrong, you would prove my heart wrong. There proof was there. Wait, wait, did you prove me right? Right in front of me... I should have known. You say I did it? Did you mean I caused it with my thoughts? My heart was stronger but not yours. I should have known. I should have known you'd confirm all my pain and my worst fears. I just should have known.