Your Absence; Your Fear -- Is Mine
The absence of the one my heart yearns for -- hurts… the mere sight of your written words puncture the very essence of my soul. Why insist in feeding the wall? Why not cease with this suffering?
In truth, it doesn’t matter. What you feel or don’t is irrelevant and of no consequence to the fibers of my heart. You cannot change it; you cannot change her, though at times I think you want to... Kill her love and yours with hers. Who knows? I’ll have to sit and tame my very core. It hurts! It hurts with the very passion that carries this love.
Enraged! Enraged to know your love, to know your wisdom, to recognize you and see what you try to hide – to see your fear. Coward!!! For if you fear me, you fear yourself! My love can only mirror yours. But in turn, I recognize we are same. You know; you know my heart, and yet you fear me, distrust of what I am and who I am. But… your fears mirror mine, my own cowardice not revealing my Self to you –completely. This is my secret truth, my contradiction. That in you I see myself and that which I hold back. Coward! I call you… and this too I call myself – for not leaping into the pain. Your rejection will not be worse than my painful silence.
You can see me, this I know… you can taste the very fundamental nature of my being. I have seen you contemplate her; I have seen you love her. I have caught you! I have recognized your moment of passion, your moment of transparent truth – and in turn, I saw you strike him to the floor! You stabbed him, a blow so deep, a cut so deep; he but barely snapped back into the cold reality you call your own.
I have seen it. I have seen your heart, I hold it. I carry it and I guard it with all my might! I have seen you fall into my arms – I have felt you, seen you taking me in, all in one breath …all of your senses calling out to me, calling out my name. It is too late, you have revealed him. You let him go out to her. I saw you be trapped in his life, for a moment, for a quick eternity. You kissed her arms; you held her dear, you loved her! And with the same strength and at the same moment, you turned her away. Your fear, again, tangled in the long waves of dark strings on my back, playing the same dissonant song.
Calm… Be still my tortured soul, you, my beating heart. Do not worry. The capricious desires of my love I will not hold against you. I ignored it, don’t you see? I am like you – and it’s been done on purpose; I will not turn you away. You set the tone, sang the song, spoke the words and I listened. I took it in… I hold the same fear; you and I, the same - only three eternities away. Your lips have not touched mine; they have not met in long embrace. I will not fret. I will not desperately seek you, already my dearest gift – your love. I know I have it, and it hurts. But it shall not always; fear and pain are almost gone.
It shall not pain us forever or hold our feet to the same dark soil – we will release this fear we hold. It hurts! It hurts too much to hold it for a lifetime. Don’t you worry, my love. When the time comes we will see. It will not be long. It will not be long for I cannot love in fear, and I cannot fly in darkness and in pain. Your will be free, your heart and soul will too… and if it will not turn its axis toward me, it will be love who decides where it shall go. My love will live, until the day it dies… until that day it will gravitate, gravitate toward you.
In truth, it doesn’t matter. What you feel or don’t is irrelevant and of no consequence to the fibers of my heart. You cannot change it; you cannot change her, though at times I think you want to... Kill her love and yours with hers. Who knows? I’ll have to sit and tame my very core. It hurts! It hurts with the very passion that carries this love.
Enraged! Enraged to know your love, to know your wisdom, to recognize you and see what you try to hide – to see your fear. Coward!!! For if you fear me, you fear yourself! My love can only mirror yours. But in turn, I recognize we are same. You know; you know my heart, and yet you fear me, distrust of what I am and who I am. But… your fears mirror mine, my own cowardice not revealing my Self to you –completely. This is my secret truth, my contradiction. That in you I see myself and that which I hold back. Coward! I call you… and this too I call myself – for not leaping into the pain. Your rejection will not be worse than my painful silence.
You can see me, this I know… you can taste the very fundamental nature of my being. I have seen you contemplate her; I have seen you love her. I have caught you! I have recognized your moment of passion, your moment of transparent truth – and in turn, I saw you strike him to the floor! You stabbed him, a blow so deep, a cut so deep; he but barely snapped back into the cold reality you call your own.
I have seen it. I have seen your heart, I hold it. I carry it and I guard it with all my might! I have seen you fall into my arms – I have felt you, seen you taking me in, all in one breath …all of your senses calling out to me, calling out my name. It is too late, you have revealed him. You let him go out to her. I saw you be trapped in his life, for a moment, for a quick eternity. You kissed her arms; you held her dear, you loved her! And with the same strength and at the same moment, you turned her away. Your fear, again, tangled in the long waves of dark strings on my back, playing the same dissonant song.
Calm… Be still my tortured soul, you, my beating heart. Do not worry. The capricious desires of my love I will not hold against you. I ignored it, don’t you see? I am like you – and it’s been done on purpose; I will not turn you away. You set the tone, sang the song, spoke the words and I listened. I took it in… I hold the same fear; you and I, the same - only three eternities away. Your lips have not touched mine; they have not met in long embrace. I will not fret. I will not desperately seek you, already my dearest gift – your love. I know I have it, and it hurts. But it shall not always; fear and pain are almost gone.
It shall not pain us forever or hold our feet to the same dark soil – we will release this fear we hold. It hurts! It hurts too much to hold it for a lifetime. Don’t you worry, my love. When the time comes we will see. It will not be long. It will not be long for I cannot love in fear, and I cannot fly in darkness and in pain. Your will be free, your heart and soul will too… and if it will not turn its axis toward me, it will be love who decides where it shall go. My love will live, until the day it dies… until that day it will gravitate, gravitate toward you.
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